Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.: "Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.: 'The other day a volunteer from the rehab I was in called me to do a 3 month follow up on my s..."

Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.

Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.: "The other day a volunteer from the rehab I was in called me to do a 3 month follow up on my sobriety, he asked quit a few questions about be..."

Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.

Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.: "The other day a volunteer from the rehab I was in called me to do a 3 month follow up on my sobriety, he asked quit a few questions about be..."

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.: "Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.: 'The other day a volunteer from the rehab I was in called me to do a 3 month follow up on my s..."

Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.

Trials and Tribulations: SEPARATION ANXIETY.: "The other day a volunteer from the rehab I was in called me to do a 3 month follow up on my sobriety, he asked quit a few questions about be..."

SEPARATION ANXIETY.

The other day a volunteer from the rehab I was in called me to do a 3 month follow up on my sobriety, he asked quit a few questions about being sober and how it made me feel. After telling him it made me feel good and how I constantly go to AA meetings he asked me a question about my wife, and how we were doing since I got sober. After a kind of weird laugh I gave him the link to my blog and made him aware that I don’t like talking about the situation much. After he read all the that I have been writing he actually called me back and asked how have I manage to stay sober through it all, after we shared a long laugh I told him that it really isn’t me keeping my sober but the grace of GOD.  After all of that he still asked me how I felt about being separated from my wife (wow) did he not read the whole blog? Since he didn’t get an answer because I hung up on him (I HATE IGNORANCE) I will write about it.

Being separated from my wife is like a gut wrenching feeling that won’t go away, it a constant heartache that won’t leave no matter how much I try to force myself to force myself to get her out of my head. It’s a feeling of losing a part of yourself, your better half perhaps. I hate the fact that my biggest supporter is no longer even a fan, I hate the fact that I can’t even pick up the phone to call her and tell her about my day, I hate the fact that she has decided to move on with another, I hate the fact that our kids are now victims  of a broken home, I hate the fact that she has them around her new boyfriend, I hate the fact that my daughter told me that my wife’s boyfriend is my sons father, I hate the fact that our kids are having a hard time dealing with our mess, I hate the fact that I don’t live with the only woman I ever LOVED enough to have kids with and marry, I hate the fact that I don’t live under the same roof with my kids, I hate the fact that I can’t see them everyday like I used to, I hate the fact that I can only see them if I come get them and take them somewhere away from my wife’s house because I don’t want to see her boyfriend, I hate the fact that she can’t find true forgiveness in her heart, I hate the fact that I had to walk this last 109 without my wife and want nothing more than for her to be next to me. I hate the fact that her loyalty is to another, I hate the fact that she wants a divorce, I hate the fact that that my son told me he doesn’t what me to pick him up anymore and when I asked why he said because your suppose to live with me, I hate the fact that my daughter has always waken up in the middle of the night and climbed in the bed with us and now I am left to think that now she is climbing in the bed with a man that’s not her father. I hate the fact that my poor actions led to most of this madness.Yes I hate being separated and on the verge of divorce and I didn’t even mention lonely, and how I have a criminal court appearance in the morning and she won’t be next to me for support, or how I had to grieve the death of my man E all alone without my wife even saying sorry for the loss of your friend.    

I know everyone wants to say things will get better or have lots of advice like you will find someone else but I don’t want anyone else I want my wife back. Life simple in the order that they are suppose to be, raising my family with both parents in the home happily together.

NOW THAT’S HOW I FEEL ABOUT BEING SEPARATED!!!

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: ...

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: ...: "Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: DIRECT RESULTS.: 'Trials and Tribulations: DIRECT RESULTS.: 'This one is being written wit..."

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: ...

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: ...: "Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: DIRECT RESULTS.: 'Trials and Tribulations: DIRECT RESULTS.: 'This one is being written wit..."

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: DIRECT RESULTS.

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: DIRECT RESULTS.: "Trials and Tribulations: DIRECT RESULTS.: 'This one is being written with a very heavy heart. About a week after I got to the rehab I met a ..."

Trials and Tribulations: DIRECT RESULTS.

Trials and Tribulations: DIRECT RESULTS.: "This one is being written with a very heavy heart. About a week after I got to the rehab I met a dude I will call E. for the sake of this bl..."

DIRECT RESULTS.

This one is being written with a very heavy heart. About a week after I got to the rehab I met a dude I will call E. for the sake of this blog. E and I automatically became real cool friends, we were both around the same age, we were both in rehab for alcohol abuse, we both had kids around the same age, and we were the only 2 blacks in the place. E had some sort of rare form of cancer in his eyes that was making him lose his sight slowly but surely. During our stay in rehab I would help him with any paper work he had to fill out because he couldn’t see and he wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it for him. E was a funny dude he had jokes from sun up to sun down, he made being in rehab bearable. E completed rehab a week after I did and it seemed he was going to be just fine.

E always had his 4 daughters with him, their ages from 2-13 and he LOVED those girls with all his heart. E hated the fact that he was going blind, he talked about the fact that he would never be able to see his girls walk down the aisle at their weddings when they grow up. He had shared with me how messed up it as that he once had sight and it was slowly diminishing. With all the problems he faced he had 1 problem he just couldn’t come to terms with and that was the fact that he wanted his wife back more than anything else on earth. Like me E had caused major destruction in his marriage because of drinking and treating his wife unlike she deserved to be treated.

Being that we were both going through similar marital situations we talked all the time about how we messed up and would even strategize on how we could win the hearts of our wives again (LOL).  As the months past and E seen no results changing in his marital situation his depression grew stronger and stronger, and next came the drinking again. He has been able to maintain his drinking to a minimum and didn’t display the irate behavior that he had before rehab. The last time I saw E was last Thursday, I had went by his house to check on him (as I always did when I couldn’t get him on the phone) and I had noticed that he was taking his medications for his eyed, depression, smoking major weed, and drinking alcohol. I told him that night that I was a very dangerous mixture and he needed to stop doing it before it caused major damage. Over the weekend I spoke to him and he invited me over to play XBOX Kinect with him and his kids but for some unknown reason to me I declined the invite and stayed home with my sisters, I called him the next day to see what his plans were for the super bowl game but got no answer from him. I had been trying to reach him all week with no answer but last night on my way to his house to check on him I made 1 final call to his cell and his mom answered telling me he was found dead in his home Tuesday, no autopsy report has been made final yet but his mom says it is believed that he had a massive Heart Attack. All I know is that this is very hard for me to lose a friend and someone who fought as hard as he could to stay clean but fell victim to this disease, I just pray for his soul, kids, and family. I know in my heart that if it was a heart attack that it was caused from a direct result of this disease called ALCOHOLISM he was only 31 years old and cut short by this thing.

R.I.P. MY DUDE YOU WILL BE MISSED…  

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: RELAPSE OR SUICIDE ATTEMP...

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: RELAPSE OR SUICIDE ATTEMP...: "Trials and Tribulations: RELAPSE OR SUICIDE ATTEMPT?: 'Before I start this blog I must address this asshole that keeps calling me from block..."

Trials and Tribulations: RELAPSE OR SUICIDE ATTEMPT?

Trials and Tribulations: RELAPSE OR SUICIDE ATTEMPT?: "Before I start this blog I must address this asshole that keeps calling me from blocked numbers threatening my life. I am at peace with my G..."

RELAPSE OR SUICIDE ATTEMPT?

Before I start this blog I must address this asshole that keeps calling me from blocked numbers threatening my life. I am at peace with my GOD so death does not scare me at all. I will share with you this; if you going to try your hand DON'T MISS because you will not get a second try at it.

During my 3 week stay in the rehab facility I became friends with just about all of my fellow substance abusers. One of my roommates and I completed the program one day apart, it was kind of funny because I had told this guy in passing that I didn't know how I was getting home because everyone who could pick me up would be at work at the time of my release, the night before I was to leave a young lady that I had become friends with told me that her mom was going to pick her up and they would drive me home, upon being released and walking to the front door I look up and there he was my roommate who left the day before coming back to pick me up. Rehab was a different experience than any I have ever had, it was the first time in my life that I had to live amongst a majority of white people and I didn’t feel any racial tension. Nobody in that building had any race issues and if they did it didn’t show at all, we all had one thing that kept us all bonded together like Brothers and Sisters and that was the fact that we were all Substance Abusers trying to get clean. Drugs and alcohol don’t care what color you are. Anyway being in that place my roommate and I became really close, he reminded me of one of my Uncles, they are the same age with young looks, they both are loud and funny, they both change their clothes several times a day, and they chase women all the time. During our stay in rehab he taught me so much about the disease of substance abuse, and gave me lots of prime examples of how serious it really was. Upon my release from rehab I noticed he was acting kind of strange but I just chalked it up to the fact that we were in that building for 21 days around the same people and he was just extra happy to be out. The day after I got out I went to an AA meeting where I ran into him, after the meeting he suggested that we hang out and get something to eat. As the day went on he would disappear into the bathroom and a few minutes after coming back he would start acting rather weird. After his second time to the bathroom and returning in a goofy state I realized that he was getting high again. I was upset by it but I didn’t let his relapse stop my flow.

Last week I got a call from another young lady we were in rehab with and she was in a bind and needed a ride, when I got to her she was with my rehab roommate and they were both high as a kite, I was so pissed off at them that I didn’t know what to do with myself. They were like a really big disappointment to me. I tried not to let my anger get the best of me because I know that in the drop of a dime I could be in that same position, I had as much patience as I could and got them where they needed to go. A few days later I called my roommate to check on him and he told me that he was all right and that he had gotten really depressed and that’s why he got messed up, I took that with a grain of salt and just said a prayer for him. Last night I called him again to check on him and got his father on the phone who told me that my roommate was in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer and that he had drunk rubbing alcohol and orange juice in an attempt to get wasted.

Now here is my take on this situation: I know alcoholism is a disease with no known cure but with the proper tools and a good support system you can fight it day by day. I know for a fact that my roommate has the all the tools needed and a hell of a support system, so I feel that he should not be using again. I know for me; I have the tools and a wonderful supporting family, friends, and my AA family, so if I fall it’s because I am not using my network of people and I have fallen victim to my committee that sits at the round table in my head. I have cravings just like any other alcoholic and I can just taste the liquor on my tongue sometimes but I just refuse to hinder my life again by drinking. I remember him telling me of how sick we both are with our addiction and how going back to doing it would kill us without question, I took those words along with what the Doctors told me and ran with it but why can’t he do the same? I myself just believe that those are the actions of a truly unhappy man and that it has been his trying to commit suicide and doesn’t want to do it directly. I deal with stress and depression every single day and sometimes I don’t even think I’m going to make it but when those feelings take me to a dark place I PRAY AND I PRAY HARD, I ask GOD to help me, heal me, and to restore my spirit to a happier place where I can just be happy for the things that I do have in my possession. I also pray for the healing of LOVE ONE, and myself.  I never want to even ponder the thoughts of suicide again nor do I want to entertain the thoughts of drinking alcohol again. A good friend of mine gave me a really great scripture that explains to me why I am still sober.  JUDE 1:24-25   Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, And to present you faultless Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy, ²⁵ To God our Savior, Who alone is wise, Be glory and majesty,  Dominion and power, Both now and forever. Amen. 

Trials and Tribulations: THE F WORD

Trials and Tribulations: THE F WORD: "Day 101 of this sobriety thing I wanted to talk about the F word, not the one everyone is thinking of but the one everyone has problems real..."

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: FORGIVENESS

Trials and Tribulations: Trials and Tribulations: FORGIVENESS: "Trials and Tribulations: FORGIVENESS: 'Day 101 of this sobriety thing I wanted to talk about the F word, not the one everyone is thinking of..."

Trials and Tribulations: THE F WORD

Trials and Tribulations: FORGIVENESS: "Day 101 of this sobriety thing I wanted to talk about the F word, not the one everyone is thinking of but the one everyone has problems real..."

THE F WORD

Day 101 of this sobriety thing I wanted to talk about the F word, not the one everyone is thinking of but the one everyone has problems really doing. The F word I'm referring to is FORGIVENESS, so many people whether substance abusers or not have very bad issues with truly doing this. As humans we usually say we forgive someone for the wrongs that they have done but most of us only say it because it sounds good and we know thats what GOD wants us to do. In our sick minds we forgive a person but in our hearts its another story, thats exactly why people always say I forgive but I will never forget. As humans we really have a hard time doing both. Think about this: what if we ask GOD to forgive us and he did but always kept in mind the horrible sins they we have committed?  Would that even seem right? We all make mistakes in life some worse than others but we all ask GOD to forgive us and after doing so we feel better knowing that it is done because we asked, so why can't we do the same for our fellow man? It is because society is so backwards and twisted that we can't grasp what FORGIVENESS really means. In the LORDS PRAYER it says forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us. Those are words we all have to live by, we cannot truly Forgive someone without forgetting what they have done to us. We cannot ask GOD to forgive us if we can't truly forgive our fellow man. THINK ABOUT IT.

Trials and Tribulations: Everyday Struggle

Trials and Tribulations: Everyday Struggle: "How could she? How could the woman I LOVE leave me at one of the worst times in my life? After all the things we have been through together ..."