Everyday Struggle

How could she? How could the woman I LOVE leave me at one of the worst times in my life? After all the things we have been through together good and bad she left me for the lust of another man and calls that happiness. I sadly admit I caused a lot of it because of my alcoholic behavior but after we addressed the issue together I just knew it would be alright.  All the while I was in a rehab for my alcohol abuse because I wanted to make things work with my wife and get my family back in order the way things should be, she was taking up with someone else. For three weeks straight I sat in a rehab center missing my wife, kids, and family. She came to visit every Sunday for her so-called support but all I got from her was a few bags of candy and a evil look in her face that told me something was wrong.

On the second visit I was having a very hard time because something was wrong with my son, that day he had a sadness about him that I couldn't put my finger on. I have been with my son since the very day she said she was pregnant with him. My son and I share a bond so strong that upon looking at him on that visit I knew something was wrong. I asked him several times during the visit and even took him to the bathroom to ask him in private what was wrong but he wouldn't say. After that visit was over I went to my room and cried because I knew something wasn't right at all.

After I walk out of those rehab doors I asked GOD to please give me the strength to stay away from the substance that has took me to the darkest place I'd ever been in life. The night before leaving rehab I played the tape back in my head of how I had gotten there and one night stuck out in my head like I was reliving it right then, it was Oct 4, 2010 only a few weeks before hand I was beyond upset, hurt, angry, and betrayed over something my wife did that all I could do was drink. At 5 o'clock that morning I started drinking beers and by 6 o'clock I was at the local liquor store getting something harder. By the end of that night I sat alone in my car crying on the phone to my Aunt and anyone else who would listen to my drunken rambling about how disrespected I felt. I never thought in a million years that I would feel like this from the hands of my wife.

As I sat there in my car I had a pint of Bacardi Gold in one hand and a gun in the other thinking of killing myself. I really and truly had no plans of waking up on earth the next day at all, I thought of my kids and how they might be better off without an alcoholic father, I thought about the pain I felt growing up without my father because he died early from the same addiction of alcoholism when I was 5 years old, I thought about all the wrong I did to my wife and how I should have took better care of our her and our household. My Aunt must have really been praying hard for me that night because I woke up still on earth the next morning still in my car, gun and liquor on my lap. I felt like shit that morning, worst hangover of my drinking career, I couldn't hold anything down on my stomach at all. I threw up until I had to be rushed to the hospital by ambulance with my third bout with an inflamed pancreas. As I laid the back of the emergency room on a stretcher my cousin came to see me, she drop some words on me that actually gave me a will to live (Thanks Jill).

The next morning after still in pain I sat up in the bed and prayed to God to please heal my mind, body, and spirit. I had recognized months before that the devil had been trying to claim my soul and instead of me praying I drank more and made some really poor decisions at the same time. After that stay in the hospital I think I stayed sober for about a week (maybe). One night at my sister house I got drunk with the next door neighbor, I went to bed late that night and was waken by a voice I never heard before. I popped up out my sleep and nobody was in the room with me, a few minutes later that same voice spoke to me as clear as day and said: YOU NEED TO FIND SOME HELP NOW. Until this point I had been very confused about where to get help from I had admitted having a problem but doing something about it was something different. My Aunt and Uncle wanted me to go to a Christian based rehab center in Houston TX for 3 months but I thought that was way to long to be away from my wife, and kids. I had finally gave in to that idea but when I called they told me they no longer had that program running, right after that my Aunt found another program that was in Bridgeport CT when I called that program they welcomed me to come right away with open arms, the bad thing was this program was for 16 months and was very far from home. I had people in my ear saying you don't need rehab you just need this and that. I knew in my heart I couldn't stop my madness without serious help from whoever GOD had in store to deal with my sickness.

Anyway I heard that voice and jumped right on my laptop I knew it was GOD speaking to me. I found the local Health Department and went to their substance abuse center, after an 2 hour long assessment I was told that they couldn't help me there. I was referred  to a substance abuse facility located about 30 minutes away. I didn't wanna go there either because I felt I had left my wife to pay bills and take care of everything herself for far to long and it was time for me to show her the man I was raised to be. The man who takes good care of his family. This program was only 21 days but I still had my hang ups about going. I did go to have the assessment and was bad off enough to qualify for that program. After being told I could go I talked it over with my wife and we both decided it would be in my best interest to make that move.

As I prepared myself to go I looked for as much work as I could get and gave my wife almost every dime I made in that time to help with the bills. I seriously prayed that she would see the change in me and the fact that I wanted my family back, now I realize that she sent me there to get rid of me so she could be alone with her new boy toy. I found out about this about 2 weeks after my release from rehab and I actually almost had a relapse the night I found out but GOD really save me from myself.

I have struggles from time to time wanting to drink but the biggest struggles I have right now is the fact that even after all the bullshit she has been putting me through I still LOVE HER DEEPLY and want to be with her. She says she is happy with this guy she is with but where is my happiness?  I'm only as good as my next AA meeting. I could get on some street stuff and take her happiness away from her. In BIBLE days I could have killed both of them for the sins they are committing right now. One big thing that gets to me is how could she have this person around our kids so soon, sleeping in our bed, opening Christmas gifts with them like he is their father. She has had this guy around them since a few days after I went to rehab, what kind of example does that show the kids not to mention the fact that we have a daughter also. Is that the morals she was raised with? Is that how she saw things growing up? How can a person live in their on skin knowing that they are making a whore out of their-self? Where is the moral value of who does these things? What kind of a man sleeps with a woman he knows is married? Why would he want to stay this long possibly risking his own safety and life?

I do know they both need to THANK GOD that he is working in my life everyday and that I am trying my best to walk the path of the RIGHTEOUS and live by the laws set forth by the most high. I have been blocking the wicked thoughts of the many ways I could take her sadly mistaken happiness away from her, to make her live forever with the fact that she had a mans life taken through a crime of passion. THANK GOD FOR GRACE AND MERCY. If nothing else this has given me a closer relationship with GOD and is keeping me sober.