Trouble Brewing

Now lets take it back to where the troubles began.  Valentine Day 2010 after about 2 weeks of constant snow and being stuck in the house with the kids I decided that I would take my wife and kids out to dinner. It had been a long time since we'd been out together and it was that special day that I had to do something for her. We went out to one of our favorite restaurants which we didn't go to much because of the price and that fact that I wasn't working at the time, after dinner we stop by her moms house for a little while and had a nice time. Once arriving home we put the kids to bed and talk for a little while before she fell asleep. I went into the living room to watch TV and just relax, after a while I grab her cell phone and started messing around with the different Apps that my phone didn't offer. I for some reason or another decided to look into her text message folder doing that started the beginning of a big problem that plagues my thoughts even now. I found a text message between my wife and her ex who is her oldest son's father, reading this text my my stomach turn, my blood boil, and my heartache. The text basically my wife trying to hook up with this man the night before for sex, I still to this day don't know the truth but I will say that there was about 3 hours that she claimed to be with her best friend and her man celebrating their anniversary. I was mad as hell reading this shit, I try my best to calm myself down, I even sat in the living room just thinking and contemplating what to do next. I went into my bedroom and woke her up calmly telling her we needed to talk, I told her of my findings and asked her what was going on. She replied to me that nothing happened and she didn't even know why she bothered to send him that text. Me sitting there angry, heart broken, and drunk lost all sense of who I am and slapped her across the face. In return to my violent outburst she called the cops on me. I know the system all to well for me to stay in that apartment knowing they were on the way. I grabbed what I could and got out of there as fast as I could. I left in such a hurry I left my car keys in the house making my journey a long, cold walk to a friends house. For the next 2 days I could eat nothing at all, I sat in my friends dark bedroom and drank liquor and cried. I thought of all the things that had transpired, and how wrong I was for putting my hands on the woman I LOVE in such a violent manner. The next day I felt myself slipping into a depressed state so I thought it would be best to get out of my friends dark bedroom and go to my Aunts house where I could think of my next move clearly and with the support of my family. I am very glad I did because after getting an ear full from my Aunt, and Mother I kind of felt at peace in a weird sort of way. Late that night I laid down to try to get some rest and a text came through my phone from my wife telling me she needed to talk to me. Upon calling her she asked me to come over and talk face 2 face, at first I was a little nervous about it because she had an order of protection put out on me and we had a court date the very next afternoon. I lied to my worrying Mother about where I was going that time of night and drove home to talk to my beautiful wife. Seeing her for the first time in 2 days made me realize how much I messed up and showed me how much I truly LOVE HER, we sat down and when she tried to talk she just started crying, I can't even express how bad I felt at that point. She told me that her Brother told her that I had been going through her phone and that she sent those messages to her ex in an attempt to get attention from me in which I was not giving her. I didn't believe a word of her reasoning behind the messages but I had already come to terms during my 2 days of drinking and crying that I hadn't given her any attention or affection in quite a few months. I had already told myself that I had possibly sent her into the arms of another man and that if I wanted to keep my wife I needed to do better at showing affection. That night we talk, cried, and held each other like it was our last night on earth. We laughed and joked about certain parts of the situation, like the order of protection, and her changing the locks on the door. After all of the talking, laughing, and crying she said that she would have the protection order dropped and we would go to marriage counseling with the Pastor of our church. The next afternoon we appeared in court and the case was thrown out because she didn't want to go forward with it. At that time she thought it best that I not return home right away because she was emotionally hurt so I was staying with my oldest Sister in her home. A few days later I went to see my wife and kids to find her youngest Brother there, he had always been okay with me but he did tell her I had been checking her phone but I just charged it to him looking out for his Sister. During general conversation he informed us that he was just thrown out of his place and had nowhere to live, so he asked could he stay with us for a few weeks until he got his own apartment. I really didn't want anyone living with us at the time because we were going through our own issues, not to mention the fact that I wasn't even home myself. On the flip side of that coin I felt better with a male family member in our home in my absence. A few days later my wife and I stood in the kitchen holding each other while she was cooking and a very sad look ran across her face, when I asked her what was wrong she informed me that her Mother was very upset at the fact that I hit her and that she was having a hard time trying to get her to see things the way she did. I was pissed but very understanding to her dilemma but I didn't remember saying I do to her Mother. My relationship with my Mother in Law had always been good and it really hurt me to know that she would throw me away after this situation. A few days later my Wife and I walk into our Church to our first counseling session with our Pastor. That counseling session was very interesting, I had never realized how messed up I had been and how unhappy she was in our short time being married. She spoke on the fact that I didn't work, and how I sat in the house all day drinking alcohol, and how I wouldn't help do any of the housework. Leaving counseling that night I felt like shit because everything she said was true to the bone, the Pastor did convince my wife that my place is with her and the kids and she agreed to let me come home where I belong. The next morning when my wife got up for work I got up to get the kids ready for school and daycare, when they left I went back to sleep for a few hours. When I got back up I cleaned the apartment and that afternoon I cooked dinner for the entire family. About a week later my wife asked me if her Brothers girlfriend and their baby could stay for a few weeks until their apartment was ready, I really didn't want this but said what could a few weeks hurt. My brother in law and I had gotten along well as we always did but I was still counting down the days until they were to move out. My Wife and I had been getting along just fine I had my daily routine down to a science I would get up with her and get the kids dressed and out the door, go to the liquor store as soon as she left, drink and clean up, take a shower and nap, cook dinner for the family, when they got home by 6pm I would spend time with the kids, feed them, bath them and put them to bed. I did all these things to allow my Wife to relax from her hard day at work. After the kids would go to bed my wife and I would have our quality time together, we would talk, play games, hold each other, watch movies, or just sit silent hugging. It was really great for a while, we started going to church as a family every Sunday and counseling sessions on Tuesday evenings, our Pastor was even surprised at how well we were doing at our second session. He light heartedly teased us about how we held hands during the entire session and the week before looked like we wanted to kill each other. This went on form about a month and a half before we stopped counseling and going to church. Halfway through the month of April her Brother and girlfriend were still living with us and it was starting to take its toll on our relationship, my wife nor myself wanted them there but we were trying to have patience to their situation. During the month of may we noticed a change for the worst in her Brother he was acting strange, cooking food in the middle of the night after everyone had been fed and kitchen was clean. Him and his girlfriend would cook, and leave the dishes in the sink like it was not a problem. I had had it up to my ears and couldn't wait for them to just go but I had way too much patience. Middle of May come and her Brother started causing trouble with the neighbors, we didn't live in the safest neighborhood but never had any problems because we mind our own business and were friendly with everyone in our building. Her Brother had a big fist fight with a neighbor one night and my wife and I agreed that for the safety of him and our family that her Brother had to go the next day and that we would let his girl and the baby stay until the end of May. Of course this was a hard decision for my Wife because it was her Brother and she Loves him but we had to think of the four kids that lived in our care. I took on the duty of breaking that news to him and did the very next morning, I even did him a justice by giving him a ride across town to where he said he would be staying. Later that evening this guy had the nerve to come back to my home and cause all kinds of havoc between my wife and I. He told her about his weed selling and how I assisted him by letting him use my car to make his runs. After that conversation between them she said she wanted a separation and that she was moving into a smaller apartment without me. Her Brother finally left a few days later and still managed to cause more havoc in our household because his girlfriend was still there. I had left for a few days and came back after he left in fear of what I might do to him because I was raised to hate snitches and really wanted to kill him for trying to ruin my marriage. After about a week of him being gone I was asked by my Wife if I was screwing her Brothers girlfriend after laughing I was really mad at the fact that my Wife would even think that I would do something that low. I was brought up with morals, values, and integrity and that was really an attack on my character. I will admit to being a lazy alcoholic at the time but I would never even entertain the thought of commiting adultery even now with my Wife openly seeing someone else. Anyway his girlfriend finally moved out in June while I was in Florida burying my Uncle. As time went on my wife and I were back on our normal routine in our house but I couldn't talk her out of the separation and I tried hard. July 25, 2010 Moving Day: My wife had got the keys to her new apartment and her and the kids were very happy about it, I on the other hand was in a very depressive state of mind and felt like A PIECE OF SHIT. I was suppose to help her move all of their belongings to their new place and then move my belongings to my Sisters house. I was in a really bad place at this point so I did what I knew how to do best, I went out and got as drunk as I had ever been, then I went home ranting and raving about her throwing me to the wayside. I don't remember much of the things I said but judging by the flurry of punches she hit me with I could only imagine how bad it was. She hit me with like a 5 punch combo to the face, snatched my cell phone from my hand and ran into our bedroom and tried to slam the door. As the door was closing I pushed it hitting her in the side of the face with it. As I saw the blood stream down the side of her face my heart melted because I had no intentions of hurting her in any way, shape, or form. I remember trying to hug her and tell her I didn't mean it but I was pushed back and punched again. I then remember grabbing my phone from her hand and leaving the scene as the cops pulled up. I went back to my friends house where I had been drinking earlier busted up, and bloody. I cleaned myself up, drank a lot more liquor, and thought of how I had messed up once again. I just had to see my wife and tell her how sorry I was and the I wasn't trying to hurt her. I waited until my friend went to sleep, got in my car and headed home on my mission. I got a block away from home when I saw the lights flashing in my rear view mirror, I knew I was going to jail that night. D.U.I. is what they charged me with, and a ticket for driving without my headlights a few hours later I was released with no car, and a long walk I felt like shit. I walked back to my friends house and went to sleep, or better yet passed out. The next morning I was in a very bad place in my head, my life was screwed and I caused it all with my alcohol abuse. I was faced with another protection order, and court date for domestic violence, I didn't have money to get my car out of the impound, I had a place to live but noway to get there. A very close friend of mine came and picked me up for court the next day, and I wanted to cry when I saw my Wife with a bandage on her face. I didn't want her to go through with the protection order but I knew the chances of it not happening was slim to non. I told the judge I wanted to consult with legal counsel before a final decision was rendered because she said I choked her and I knew I couldn't have done something like that, not to the woman who owns my heart. I thought to myself why would she lye on me like that? (it wasn't until after rehab that I realized that I had to have had an alcoholic blackout and must have choked her). After that day in court she contacted me a few days later and allowed me to come and visit our kids. I played with them for a while and put them to bed so we could talk, upon this conversation there was no tears in her eyes, just a hurt, and tired look. She look like someone who was tired of seeing the ass end of the world and she had hardened herself for no more hurt. That night she said it was over and she couldn't deal with me anymore, I felt the same way I had been feeling for the past week: guilty, ashamed, heart broken, and confused about my next move in life. I was stuck with all of these things in my head and didn't have my other half to help me through my troubled time. That night she did tell me that she would not go through with the protection order but on court day she did anyway and I didn't bother to fight it. I figured that I had put her through way too much and if she wanted me away from her I would respect that. Right after we left the courthouse she broke the order by walking up to my car and talking to me, I just sat there crying, telling her I was sorry and I was also crying because I didn't fight the protection order. I have never had anything in my life that I didn't fight for and me not fighting in that courtroom hurt my drunken pride for some odd reason. After that day she allowed my to come see the kids everyday and even let me spend the night so we could take my son to his first day of school. A few days after his first day of school I ended up in the hospital with serious pains in the stomach that would shoot through to my back, after I was admitted into the hospital I laid in that bed depressed and in pain. The next morning upon waking up from the pain medicine they had me on my beautiful wife walk in the room with breakfast for me, I couldn't eat any of it but I was just happy to see her face. When the Dr. came into my room she told me that I had pancreatitis and couldn't drink anymore. I sat in that bed and cried because when I was 5 years old my father died from the same thing and here I was 2 months before my sons fifth birthday about to make time repeat itself. I tried hard after that to stay sober I attempted going to AA meetings but always got side tracked with someone else needing my help with something. I was able to put it down for about 3 weeks before falling again. Then that situation happen in October happen. My wife had been planning her 30th birthday party for sometime, her and 2 of her best friends were to have it at a club October 1, 2010 it was all planned, and promoted by them they did put in a lot of hard work promoting it. A few days before the party she made me aware that I wasn't invited because her family was going to be there and she didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable that night (bullshit). She asked me could I keep that night, I really didn't want to but I knew I had a lot of kissing ass to do if I was going to get my family back. I kept the kids that night and we had a good time together. The next morning when I woke up my wife was still not home she didn't get home until a little after 12 noon. I didn't argue though I was pissed, she said she was really drunk so she stayed at her girlfriends house. The next night her, and her girlfriends were at my wife apartment eating crabs and having drinks talking about the blast they had at the party I was there with them and the mood was cool. The very next night my wife went to bed and my phone started ring like I had just hit the lottery, I got calls from family members as well as friends asking me did I see the pictures of her party on Facebook. I went on Facebook and saw the most messed up shit I could have seen at that point in my life. There it was pictures of my wife and her ex boyfriend together at her party all night long, they took so may pictures together that it looked like they were a couple again. I was fuming mad, I then check her phone to discover a text from him to her at 3:40am telling her to meet him at his house. Those pictures are what led me to the drinking binge and suicide thoughts that I talked about in my previous blog. The crazy thing about this is that all those pictures were taken with the camera I got her a couple of years ago for Christmas. I had search high and low for a pink digital camera that year because thats what she wanted and I gladly did it and I hate shopping. After that drinking binge and being hospitalized for a few days I was staying with her more often and it was hell. She went out to a club almost every night saying she was going to party for her birthday the whole month of October, she would go out come in the house drunk in the wee hours of the morning and be to tired for anything after she got home from work unless one of her friends called her with a party to go to. October 18, 2010 we spent the entire day together and it felt really good because it actually seemed like everything would be okay between us again, the next day was her birthday and we spent the entire day together again, now I'm floating on cloud nine, that night she went out with the same friends as usual and I was in the house with the kids as usual. About 2:30am I get a call from her saying I have a flat and need you to come get me, now how the hell can I do that with 3 sleeping kids at this time of night? I am happy I have good friends in my circle, I called one homeboy who is a mechanic to roll with me and a home girl came over to keep an eye out for the kids. When we arrived to my wife and her friend I discovered that both tires on the left had been busted and she must have hit a curb or something. To this day she can't say what she hit. My homeboy called a guy he knew with a tow truck and he picked the van up, on the way home I was mad and was explaining to her that her recent behavior really had me worried especially knowing that I was going to rehab the next week. The rest of that week was a living hell for me, the very next night I get a call from my home boy the mechanic that help me out of the car situation saying he had just got jumped by some guys and needed me to come get him so I went to get him but he was to drunk for me to get him to get in the car with me on top of which he was driving his own car. The next morning I get a call saying he was in the hospital in ICU fighting for his life, he had a fractured leg, broken jaw and he was bleeding from the brain. All of this stuff was heavy on my mind and I had started drinking again, and I was also in pain from my pancreas being inflamed again. That night I came in the house and had a real heart to heart talk with my wife, I told her how I felt about her and the family that we made together, and how much they mean to me, I told her that I was going into rehab to better myself for the LOVE of them. She listened then told me she was going over her friends house for a while in would be back later. The next morning when I woke up to go and do a well needed pest control job before my kids birthday party I realized that once again she was not home and hadn't been all night, she finally came in the house around 11:00am talking about sorry for making you late for your job, go ahead I got the kids, I got to drunk at my friends house and went to sleep. The job I had to do that morning canceled because nobody is going to waste ther entire Saturday waiting for a service man $400.00 down the drain. We went to the kids party and I was sick as a dog because of my pancreas but I endured it even with all the shade I got from most of her family. Sunday morning we wake up and everything is cool but I noticed throughout the course of the day she hung on to her cellphone like it was a newborn baby, I said nothing about it at all. The next morning I just had to know why she was holding on to that phone so tight and who she was texting all day long so I took a look at it when I got the chance it was a dude and it told of her real whereabouts from Friday night, yeah she did get drunk but did not spend the night at her friends house she was with the same dude that she is in bed with right now. My entire time in rehab I thought about that situation and pray that what she told me when I asked her about the situation was true. I am still learning to deal with this situation. My wifes attitude towards me got worse when I was in rehab and even worse when I got out but its because of her poor decisions that she's making in life and not me. I cope with all of this crap in my life now by praying constantly, talking to my pastor, select family and friends, my AA sponsor is a GOD SENT he went through a lot of these same issues as me when he got sober. They tell you in rehab don't look for an AA sponsor, LISTEN FOR ONE, thats how I got the sponsor that I have. I go to AA meetings on a regular basis it is a really great support system and I LOVE IT, i do a lot of reading THE BIBLE, The AA Big Book and tons of other AA literature. I go to the gym and work out that helps with a lot of the stress. Since being out of rehab I have had many alcohol cravings but I try not to let them consume my thoughts, I pray and find something constructive to do fast so I don't slip. Right now I am on day 89 of sobriety and it feels great even with all the adversity that I have been facing. I have not been clean this long since 13 years old and I am 33 now, so thats 20 years of my life drinking and punishing my body. Right now I am going through Post Acute Withdrawal or PAW for short you can look it up on the internet for details on how to deal with it. Symptoms are are different for different people but it effects most recovering addict. The symptom I have are; recent memory lost, difficulty getting to sleep, difficulty staying asleep, nightmares about drinking, not getting enough sleep, repetitive thinking, and depression. Stress really makes these symptoms worse and the symptoms last 3-6 months after your last use. I go through stress everyday and I refuse to use, my sobriety Date is 10/28/2010 which is my sons 5th birthday and that means the world to me because thats the day I chose to live clean and break the cycle of destructive drinking. This pass weekend I spent in Baltimore, MD with a few friends that I grew up with in Queens, NY for one of their birthdays. The birthday boy was a little apprehensive about drinking around me because he knows I'm in recovery. I told him to enjoy himself and that I am the one with the drinking problem but if I was to get any cravings that I would ask him to cut his drinking short, he agreed and I must say that I am proud of myself because I hung out with these cats all weekend with them drinking and it didn't bother me, nor did I have cravings at all. They sipped on Hennessey and I drunk ginger ale, coffee, and water all weekend. I wouldn't suggest this for everyone but if your going to hang with people who drink while in recovery make sure they people who have your best interest at heart and they are like the friends that I have one that wouldn't give to you even if your ass was on fire. Tomorrow is another day where I just take this sobriety thing just for today. A man recently told me that if I got up every morning, looked myself in the mirror and say I NOT GOING TO DRINK ANY ALCOHOL TODAY you would never drink again because everyday is TODAY. I make myself that promise every morning upon waking because I have another drinking binge in me without question but I know for a fact I DON'T HAVE ANOTHER RECOVERY. The next time I go out I know it will be for good and I have way too much to live for even through the adversity. Time for me to attempt sleep hope it comes quick. Remember JUST FOR TODAY...